Sometimes you need to wait . . . sometimes you need to leap

I think we are over inundated with opposing viewpoints on this and not enough balance. There are those who are extremely cautious who will tell you to just “keep plugging ahead” or that “slow and steady win the race” and then there are those that tell us that we have “make that leap” and “follow our dreams”.

The truth is that they both can be right and wrong. We know by watching enough races of all lengths that slow and steady does not always win. The lesson of the tortoise and the hare that is often used for this line of reasoning is more of a lesson in arrogance and underestimating others in my opinion. I have taken many races slow and steady and lost as I’m sure you have.

Some races in life have time limits, others have deadlines. Others do not other than the length of your life. How long are you willing to wait to be doing what you want to be doing? To be living the life that you want to be living? Waiting too long may mean the opportunity has passed. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll become a professional baseball player now at the age of 42 but if I had given it my all at the age of 22, I may have had a chance. However, I can still become a lawyer at the age of 42.

Sometimes taking the leap is premature though or even foolish. If your dream was to open a christmas shop, quitting your job and opening on December 26th may not be the best timing. You may want to wait another nine months to quit your job and make that leap.

One of the keys to knowing when to make the leap and when to wait is knowing and understanding yourself. Are you the type of person that needs a huge cushion or that lives a lifestyle you are not willing to give up? Then you need to account for that. Can you live on the cheap and make sacrifices in the now for a future payoff? Account for that. Are you extremely dissatisfied with your current job situation or do you not mind it? Two people with the same dream may have completely different sets of circumstances and requirements and so their leaping off point is going to be different. You may need $500,000 saved up whereas I need $50,000 and someone else is fine with $5,000. You may be miserable at your job, whereas I might not mind mine and someone else may love theirs. If you were miserable at your job and were the type of person that needed $500,000, you might need to make the leap at $250,000. Maybe you love your job and were the type of person that only needed $5,000, you might want to wait and save up $50,000 or $100,000.

Maybe it’s that you want to give up something or try something new. There’s similar things to consider like time, comfort, social life and so on.

Over time, you figure these things out. You just have to start trying.

Start off your day by making funny faces in the mirror

Most people tend to take themselves too seriously. Especially those of us that are suicidal and/or depressed. I used to just sit or lay around all day trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could fix myself. I would look at everyone else and especially my peers and wonder how I could ever catch up. Doing these things in and of themselves can make us sad and more depressed.

It all started in the morning though. It all started right after I would wake up. I would lay in bed and the thoughts, worry, anxiety and stress would start immediately and using gradually get worse. Two or three hours later I’d crawl out of bed. I used to wonder (and still do sometimes) how people could just wake up and hop right out of bed and be ready to move on with their day. My wife does this, she’ll just get up and go out and make coffee and read a magazine or get ready for work or work out or whatever. Most people I know are like this! How?

First and foremost, I think they just are biochemically balanced different.

Second, they probably got a good nights sleep where they fell asleep right away and maybe only woke up once to pee and then went right back to bed.

Third, they feel obligated or excited about doing something that is a daily task or ritual.

Fourth, they’re aliens and just don’t understand how comfy a bed really is to us humans.

So what can we do to be like that?

Make ourselves smile and laugh! Start off

Smiling has been shown to have numerous health and mood improving benefits. Just the physical act of smiling (forced or not) has been shown to activate the release a number of beneficial things like endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. All of which, in low levels, have been associated with depression.

So, if you are like me and don’t usually feel like smiling, you may need to force yourself. And to be honest, it can feel weird and stupid. So, if you’re going to feel weird and stupid, you might as well do something weird and stupid to make yourself smile!

What better way than to make funny faces at yourself in the mirror. Throw in the occasional weird voice or noise and you may find yourself rolling on the floor laughing at yourself. And then your roommate or partner or dog or cat will come in and question your sanity at which point you just point to yourself in the mirror and tell them it’s that persons fault!

Go 10 for 11 !!! It's better than 1 for 1

I know % wise it’s not but I think we get too caught up with streaks and perfection. We hear people say that they’ve done something 10, 20, 100 or 1000 days in a row or that they don’t ever miss a day of doing something and we think that that’s the standard we have to meet.

I used get on streaks of doing something and be feeling pretty good about myself and then for whatever reason I would break the streak. And I would give up. I felt like I had to start all over again and the longer the streak I was on, the more crushed my spirit would be about it. Before I knew it, I was pursuing an opposing streak of not doing it.

At a certain point, I realized that I still had a streak going, it was just a 9 out of 10 day streak or a 2 weeks in a row streak or whatever else. I could make it a 10 out of 11 day streak which could lead to 19 out of 20, 29 out of 30 and so on. And even if I missed a couple more days, that’s fine. Doing something 27 out of 30 days is still pretty good.

We aren’t perfect and we’re going to have setbacks. Don’t let those setbacks send you all the way back though. If you go from 9 out of 9 to 9 out of 10, that’s fine! Make it 10 out of 11! And if you go 9 out of 11 . .. thats fine too! Just make it 10 out of 12. It’s OK.

Just don't think about being better . . . also try

I think a lot of us that are suicidal or depressed run into the issue of laying around for hours upon hours and days upon days or even weeks upon weeks or longer, and we just think about what would make us feel better.

That’s fine to do, we need to think about what we like and don’t like, we need to think about how we are going to emerge from our situation but we also need to try.

It’s tough though. Especially if you are like I was and struggle to even get out of bed. How can you even think of trying when you can’t even leave your own bed? Part of it is forcing yourself to, which can seem like you’re moving around pulling a 1,000 lb weight behind you. The more you do that though the more strength you build up in the knowledge that you can do it.

Here’s some suggestions on how to start:

1. Open your eyes

2. Pull the covers off of you

3. Position your feet on the ground

4. Stand up

5. Get dressed

6. Leave you bedroom

I know that’s obvious to most but to me, at times, those six steps seemed like an impossible or maybe pointless task.

There’s other simple things you can do once you leave your bedroom to build strength:

• Step outside

• Go for a walk

• Clean something

• Drive your car around for a few minutes

Eventually you progress to trying things and seeing if they make your situation any better. And yes, there’s a possibility that it won’t but at least you know and can move on to the next thing.

Something will work, eventually, keep trying.

I was a kid once too . . . and a teenager . . . and a young adult . . . and a health nut . . .

Yeah, we were all kids once. Most of us have forgotten what it was like though and really, most of us have forgotten what it was like to be us at any stage in life. We may remember certain aspects of it but a lot of times our advice or recollections are colored with years and years of other experiences. Sixty year old us remembering what it was like to be in our twenties is almost always looking through the lenses of our thirties, forties and fifties. And that matters because things we hadn’t realized yet in our thirties may come to light in our forties or fifties.

I think we forget that and while yes, it may be wise advice from us as a sixty year old, it’s also probably well beyond a twenty year olds comprehension or even someone our own age that is just experiencing now what we did twenty, thirty or forty years ago.

That forgetfulness can apply to us at any age though and it may only be years, months, weeks, days or even hours and minutes between realizing something and forgetting what it was like before.

We forget that we went through a process to get to where we are now. It may be a simple process, we may have just watched a video about something or learned something new or whatever and immediately thought “How can people not think or know this!?” Well, ten minutes ago we didn’t!

People change their diet or start taking supplements and almost immediately start preaching about how great it is and how unbelievably stupid people are that don’t change. We seem to forget that, not long ago, we also did know about that diet or those supplements.

We do it with political, religious, economic and social issues as well. We forget that we didn’t always think, feel or know that. And if we did, well, we were probably raised that way, just like they were raised a certain way.

Why would we expect someone to magically know or learn something that we just figured out or that we were “born with”? Why does this lead to intolerance, hate, judgement and so many other negative things instead of compassion, hope, understanding and tolerance. Why do we not realize that we did not think this way before and as a result there is hope for others? Why do we not realize that the things we believed before were based off of a lack of information or experience and have understanding for why others are still that way? Why do we not realize that we had our reasons for our previous belief and changed and have hope for others? And why do we not realize that if learning something new changed the way we used to feel or what we used to believe or think, then why can’t it again change the way we feel, think or believe? Why does this so often lead to intolerance instead of tolerance towards others?

Ultimately, I think the compassion, hope, understanding and tolerance we lack for others is often a lack of those things for ourselves that we are taking out on others so we don’t have to take it out on ourselves. Maybe we are embarrassed, ashamed or angry at ourselves for ever being that way. Maybe, we fear that because we were that way and changed, we can change back or into something else. But the fact is that we were that way and that’s fine. If we can change, we can change again and so can others. But, if we don’t have hope that we can see things differently than why would we have that hope in others? If we don’t understand that we didn’t always feel this way, how can we be understanding of others? If we can’t tolerate the way we were in the past how can we tolerate the way others are in the present?

I was a kid once too . . .

Adults like saying that to kids don’t they? I don’t know how many times I heard that as a kid but rarely was my reaction “Oh I hadn’t realized that, I guess I’ll do whatever you say.” Usually my reaction was “well, I think you forgot what it was like to be a kid then.”

And they probably had, I think we all forget what it was like to be how we were in the past, as kids or even as adults.

When I was suicidal, I had completely forgot what it was like to be anything at all. All I felt was emptiness, nothingness, hopelessness. Every direction I looked was pure darkness. Even when I looked inward it could be like that. Like I did, you probably just see a bunch of things that don’t seem real anymore or that you want to forget when you look inwardly.

Those feelings, emotions and things were real (to one extent or another) though. The fact that you could experience them before means you can experience them again. Maybe not immediately but you never know. There’s hope there though.

Most of us can think back to a time where we were happy and full of life and the desire to live. Try to go back when you were like that and think about it. Yeah it might be depressing or sad but it might also give you hints as to what you can do now to give yourself hope or a good feeling.

One day, one thing

Maybe it’s one thing one day. Well, one thing in a day is probably the clearest way to say it.

It will seem to hard to believe for those who haven’t experienced depression or been suicidal but doing the simplest thing can seem like climbing a mountain. No matter how easy it seems to be to others, it’s the most complicated thing in the world to us.

Why? Well . . . exactly, why? What’s the point of doing it? It doesn’t matter how complicated or simple it is, how necessary or unnecessary, how helpful, useful or beneficial. What’s the point?

Making your bed is such a simple thing to do but why? You’re just going to mess it up again later. Why waste that effort? How is that going to help me be less depressed, less suicidal?

Doing laundry, scheduling appointments, showing up on time or at all, returning calls or texts, paying bills, folding your laundry after you do it, putting it away after you fold it . . . There are so many things that other people do so effortlessly and with seemingly no stress at all.

But what’s the point? Is making my bed every morning (or if you’re like I was every afternoon) going to end my depression or suicidal thoughts? No probably not. Most likely no one thing will. It might delay them though. And yes, the depression or suicidal thoughts may be replaced by anger and frustration that you’re making your stupid bed that’s fine. I hate making my bed!

It may also give you a sense that you at least did something today, however mundane it is. And it might be nicer to look at then a bunch of crumpled up sheets and blankets. And it can be anything really. Doing a couple pushups every day or writing a blog post or cleaning the kitty litter or watching an educational video or whatever.

Eventually, one thing becomes easy and then there’s two and three.

But still, what’s the point? Well, the reality of this world is that sometimes the only point is that you did it or maybe you made something a little better than it was even it’s temporary. Will it help you be less depressed or suicidal? Who knows but it’s worth a shot, it may help or it may lead into something else that helps. Regardless, you did something and coming from someone that knows how hard that can be, you deserve a nap! Just maybe on the couch, you don’t want to mess up you newly made bed!

We ARE NOT who we are . . . we are who we let ourselves be

We don’t have to stay the same. We don’t have to be “who we are” if we don’t like “who we are.” Chances are you are that way because you don’t know any other way of being or you don’t know who you really want to be. But, maybe you think that that’s who you really are and maybe it is. It’s more likely that that is who you are letting yourself be. You can be another way though.

Just be yourself?

There is probably not a more confusing directive than “just be yourself” to someone that is suicidal or depressed. Odds are that at least part of the reason we are that was is because we don’t know who it is we want to be or who it is that we are currently. Even if we happen to know, what then? How do we be that way or get there? Quotes are inspirational for sure but often times they are not helpful.

Who are you?

Well, like me, you probably have asked yourself this a thousand times and have grappled with it for days, weeks, months or years. Maybe even your whole life. I still am. And that’s fine. I’m not really sure we can ever fully know that in the time we have here. Part of it is accepting that, accepting that there are certain things we will never know. If you have struggled in this search like I have, try switching the question up.

Who am I NOT!?

Do you ever find yourself doing things that you don’t really want to do or that don’t bring you any joy? Do you find yourself being a certain way and then regretting it later? I use to play video games with my friends when I was just past being suicidal. I was still deeply depressed and lost but I was no longer suicidal. One night though (after getting my ass kicked in mortal kombat again) I realized that I didn’t really like playing video games in general and in particular fighting ones. Plus I was bad, and sure, I could’ve practiced and got better but I had zero desire to do that. So the next time the paddle came my way, I just handed it to my friend. I realized that what I liked, what brought me joy was just being around my friends and seeing them be happy (and yes it made them very happy to destroy me in the game over and over and over again). I realized that I actually just enjoyed watching them play and commenting on their matches. And I wasn’t stressed anymore when the paddle came around. I started to realize that I was doing this in a lot of areas of my life and I didn’t need to be and neither do you. By finding who you are not, you can remove obstacles to finding who you are.

Once you find who you are or who you want to be or to strive to be, you still have to let yourself be that way. You still have to give yourself permission to pursue that or be that person.

It's tough isn't it?

You probably feel like you’re always lost in the woods searching for a path or out adrift in the ocean waiting to see where it takes you or maybe just feeling your way around in the dark. Chances are it’s a mix of those. It’s tough to deal with because you just don’t know when or if you’ll ever emerge or be blown ashore or stumble into something. It’s even tougher because you don’t know where you’ll emerge or what shore you’ll end up on or what you’ve stumbled into. Then . . . how do you deal with that?

Listen, there’s a lot, there really is. That’s why so many people just choose a path or a way that’s been tested and shown to work. Problem is, you were probably on one of those paths or following one of those ways and something major happened and you ended up lost.

It’s tough to not know, to not be able to see where you are and where you’re going and what you’ll do when you arrive somewhere.

You’ll figure those things out though and it may be a long and tough journey but as long as you’re taking the journey, you’re getting closer, You just have to hang in there.

It hits everyone!

If suicidal tendency, depression and anxiety all had a simple explanation than they’d be easy to resolve! The truth is that they hit people of all income classes, life stages, races, religions and sexual orientations. They are indiscriminate seemingly. Seemingly . . .

I think the main reason they hit every aspect of society is because they stem from the same internal struggles, one of which is dealing with loss. And it doesn’t matter what that loss is necessary it’s more about how you perceive it. And it doesn’t matter where you started off and where you ended up! The wealthiest among us, the most famous among us still commit suicide and suffer from depression and anxiety.

Loss doesn’t simply refer to a physical or tangible loss either. It could be the loss of an identity or the realization that things aren’t as you thought. Sometimes that loss is associated with the feeling that you are “too far” along that path to change directions or stop or abandon it to pursue another one. You stop looking at things in a day by day type of way and looking forward to things in the future. Instead, everything piles up on you in the moment, in every moment! All the things you did in the past that you perceive as a waste, all the things you will need to do in the future to get on the same level in another area.

It all becomes overwhelming! Maybe you realize you’ve been living a lie but to live the truth would be too much to handle but so is continuing to live the lie.

There’s ways to figure these things out though. It may take time, it probably will. Just hang in there! You’ll figure it out eventually!

Why do I feel this way?

It’s probably a combination of things but one of the things that seems to be fairly common is that something happened that drastically changed your outlook on life. You probably went from believing, feeling, thinking, living, trusting and even knowing that a certain thing, circumstance or reality was true to the realization that it’s not or it’s not the way you thought it was.

Maybe your parents got divorced and you went from believing that things were stable and good or that love was what they embodied or that family was inseparable or that one or each one of them was perfect. Most kids idolize their parents and when something like divorce happens, the reality of your idol comes crashing down.

Maybe you went being popular or cool at school or maybe just unnoticed and then something embarrassing happens or a rumor gets spread or you do something bad/wrong. Next thing you know, you can’t walk down the halls in peace anymore or no one wants to be seen around you let alone talk to you or be your friend.

Maybe you realized you were gay or trans and the prospect of coming out or living that life or even being that way is too much to deal with.

Maybe you got divorced and didn’t want to, or you lost your job or your business or your home.

Whatever it is, you probably went from certainty to uncertainty in a significant area of your life or an area that you thought would never change. Now you just don’t know what to do. It will take time to figure out another way or regain the appropriate level of trust.

Hang in there though! You will figure it out.

When will it get better?

Honestly . . . I don’t think anyone can give you an answer to that. They can guess and even make an educated one at that. The reality is no one knows but there’s enough data and experiences out there to say that it will get better if you do certain things.

So, what are those things? It’s a little different for everyone. At least that’s my personal opinion. It certainly seems like diet, exercise, social connections and personal growth all play a role no matter what. Other things may be money or the comfort it brings, achievement, recognition, success, routine, etc.

It’s really up to you to figure it out. That can be discouraging if you let it be but knowing that you are in control should also be encouraging. People can give you advice and lead you into certain directions but be careful that they don’t take advantage of you and your situation. That doesn’t mean be fearful and it doesn’t mean don’t trust anyone. It seems to be a reality of life (a sucky one!) that people will take advantage of you and honestly, you’ll probably take advantage of other people. You have to learn how to recognize it in both cases and then correct it. You’ll figure it out though! Just hang in there!

Suicidal, depressed, anxious? Are you alone?

I can tell you that you aren’t alone but we all know or knew that already, at least literally and logically speaking. It doesn’t matter though does it? It’s the feeling of being alone and that feeling just increases when people say things like “you’re not alone.” It shows that they just don’t understand that it’s a feeling and not a physical or intellectual or even spiritual thing.

It’s easy to see that you are not alone, it’s even easy to understand that others have been suicidal or depressed or anxious but those things don’t necessarily or usually translate into feeling like you are not alone. The physical, intellectual, logical and spiritual aspects of not being “alone” may be all you have though right now despite the feeling of being alone. Hold on to those things as tight as you can until you do find that feeling of not being alone or that feeling finds you and then hold onto it with all your might!

I was fortunate in that I had a close family (even if I didn’t like them at the time) but I shunned them regardless and focused on a community of friends that I had that at times even went down to one or two. I liked being alone though most of the time. Maybe you don’t. Go somewhere you like, do something you like. I use to like to go to the bar by myself and grab a couple drinks whether I talked to someone or not. Just feeling the physical presence of others gave me that sense of not being physically alone which I could translate intellectually and spiritually to not being alone. Sometimes, I would imagine that there were others going through the same internal crises that I was there. And there probably were some. I started to join groups and attend events that I liked and that helped me feel less alone. It’s something, it’s a way to hang in there until you can find that . . . real permanent feeling.

Suicidal, depressed, anxious? How to hang in there?

There’s no one way to do this. Personally, I just tried to focus on the things I did enjoy about life and rid myself of those things that I didn’t . . . not necessarily rid myself for good of them, just while I was hanging on. So yeah, that meant that I drank a lot, and smoked weed and hung out with friends. It meant I watched a lot of sports and TV shows I liked. Most importantly though, it also meant that I let curiosity back into my life.

That’s the one I want you to focus on. Not necessarily curiosity but whatever you find it is for you. Go back to a time when you remember being happy or doing something that made you happy. DO NOT LET IT BE A PERSON! I know it may be but this is your life, you need to find you and no matter how much you think your happiness may have been because of them, it wasn’t. You simply let them pull it out of you or maybe they just knew how. Others will know too but you need to learn what it takes to pull it out of yourself. Listen! I'm somewhat hypocritical in saying that because I waited 4 years throughout high school for a girl and then 6 years after high school for another only to end up dating neither of them. One of the things though that I realized made me happy was the potential for love, the prospect of it, the joy of it. That could be something you hold onto and search for but just keep in mind that that comes with A LOT of heartbreak. On both sides.

Go back to that time when you were happy and start to try to regain that through doing those things, pursuing them or whatever. You’re just hanging around anyway so you might as well.

Suicidal? Depressed? Anxious? Hang in there!

Life can be tough. Sometimes the only thing we can do is just hang in there. I was suicidal for a period of time. That was over 20 years ago now. No one knew then and few people know now. Life seemed pointless and maybe it was or is. I don’t know. I hung in there though and eventually I started to think differently about things. If life was pointless then I could just give it my own point. If there was a point to life then the only way I could find it would be by hanging around.

You are still here. Stay here! There’s a ton of really fun things to do. Believe it or not, there’s also a lot of really cool people. Yes, there’s some shitty people as well but you can get better and better at avoiding them or standing up to them or even changing them.

If you think the world sucks then stay and make it better! If you go it will suck even more because then we would have lost someone that wants it to be better.

I’m 40 now and I’m less mature than when I was 20 but I’m way happier! I’m still figuring things out though and I hope I always will be. We don’t have the answers, no one does. Yeah sure they may have found what works for them and it may even work for a lot of people . . . maybe even you. You’ll never figure it out unless you stay around though.

I owned goats and ducks and started businesses and went through bankruptcy and lost my house. I had an ice forest and an art warehouse. I drove across country and moved to Boston and got married. I used to poop my pants and honestly, still probably do (I’m on a good streak though of at least a year!) I’m taking improv classes and going back to school to get my law degree. There’s so many stupid things and not so stupid things that I’ve done that I never would have gotten to do along the way if I ended my life.

Just hang in there! You are not alone but it is up to you to hang on and climb out. There’s plenty of us here to help and give advice and share our experiences. And there’s those that can learn from yours!